Thank you to LaterLevels for hosting the LaterLevels Questions of the Month blogging event, and for Kevin from The Mental Attic for asking a great question.
Upon reading the prompt, I immediately thought to myself Kratos: God of War. He routinely and brutally kills Gods, topples titans and slaughters hoards of mythical creatures. Olympus could not withstand his ire and in a few months we’ll get to see how the Norse Gods from Asgard fare. Sounds like a solid choice. Before committing though, I wanted to outline my criteria for the job:
Framed in the above context, I really thought about Kratos as a personal trainer. Would he be patient or more likely to tear off my arm and beat me with it for failing to curl some herculean weight? Could he motivate me to get through a demanding cardio workout or would he laugh at my weakness, Sparta Kick me off a mountain and demand that I learn to fly?
Kratos as a Personal Trainer:
- Experience: Disemboweling Gods, climbing out of Hell, wrestling Hercules.
- Equipment/Gear: Blades of Chaos, Head of Helios, Bow of Apollo
- Methodology: “Hope is for the weak.”
- References: Mostly K.I.A.
- Price: Blood
Based off the Kratos I know from previous God of War games, I think it more likely that I wouldn’t survive even the mildest of training sessions. Maybe I’ll reconsider after meeting bearded Kratos, later this year.
In the meantime, I’ve decided to put my trust and the future of my physical health into the hands of Vesemir of Kaer Morhen from the world of The Witcher. *spoilers below*
The only survivor of the Battle of Kaer Morhen, Vesemir was a member of a group of hardened monster hunters called Witchers; you’ve got to be pretty tough to keep up with that crowd. He served as their trainer, focusing on physical and mental conditioning. His specialty was in fencing and as such there were several Witchers who became highly skilled with the blade, inlcuding Geralt and Ciri.
In the Witcher III, players have an opportunity to relive moments from Ciri’s past of days spent training at Kaer Morhen under the watchful and patient eye of Vesemir. As part of her training, she had to run a series of obstacles both in the old fortress, as well as in the surrounding forest and was tested on her strength, stamina, endurance and agility. In between exercises, Ciri often became distracted and got herself into some kind of mischief. Vesemir never wavered though and made sure that she stuck to all of her training, including reading and writing.
Unfortunately for me, his expertise did not include the mutating process for the creation of new Witchers and the knowledge was lost with his fallen fellows after the Battle of Kaer Morhen. It’s documented that the process is quite painful, but I like the idea of having inhuman abilities and hunting monsters on The Path. Still, his physical regimen would be more than enough.
Vesemir as a Personal Trainer:
- Experience: Training generations of elite monster hunters called Witchers; monster hunting. Master fencer.
- Equipment/Gear: Dual blades, various potions and traps. Access to Kaer Morhen and it’s training facilities.
- Methodology: “If you’re to be hanged, ask for water. Anything can happen before they fetch it.”
- References: Geralt of Rivia; Ciri, The Lady of the Worlds.
- Price: A good fight; peace and quiet.
A legend in his own right, I could only dream of being trained by Vesemir of Kaer Morhen. Even in his later years, Vesemir walked (or rode) The Path with Geralt. Vesemir was known for saying that “no witcher had ever died in his own bed, so death in combat surely awaited him…”
Vesemir is my pick. Sadly, I won’t ever get the chance to hire him: death finally claimed the old Witcher during one of the last fights of the Witcher III.
Guess I’ve always got Kratos as a backup…
Thanks for reading! If you’re so inclined, there is still time to participate in this awesome event. Let everyone know which video game character you would pick as your personal trainer!